How to talk to my partner about their drinking or drug problem:
Here’s a familiar story: You are concerned about your partner's drinking or drug use. Perhaps their drinking or drug use has increased recently, or it has been increasing gradually over time. You may have noticed changes in their behaviour. E.g., they are forgetful, unreliable, or withdrawn and spend less time with you or the family. You don't know how to approach the topic, or you have tried to discuss it with them before and it didn't go well. Perhaps they snapped at you and you ended up arguing. You're tired of tiptoeing around the issue.
In this situation, there are a range of different emotions that you might feel such as anger, sadness, or anxiety, but because of the stigma associated with drug and alcohol problems, people often feel shame or embarrassment. Your loved one might feel this way too, making it harder for them to acknowledge they have a problem with drinking or drug use or talk about it.
Is there ever a right time?
The short answer is no. The truth is it may never be the right time to approach this sensitive topic. However, we can prepare for the conversation, so it is more likely to be productive. When we care about someone, our efforts to talk to them about their drinking or drug use are well-meaning and come from a place of care. However, if someone feels that their character is being attacked, this can bring their threat system online. This is the part of our brain that identifies potential threats and steers our mind and body towards safety. Emotions such as anger or anxiety signal danger and trigger protective responses: fight, flight, or freeze. In a conversation about their drinking or drug use, this could lead your loved one to argue, walk away, or be unable to listen.
The threat system in the brain is like our internal alarm system. Like a smoke alarm it can be oversensitive because it works on a better safe than sorry principle. This can be helpful for alerting us to danger (like a house fire). However, the flip side is that our internal alarm can go off when there isn't a real danger (just burn toast!) and cause us to be defensive.
Without meaning to what we say can trigger our partner's threat system and mean that they are less likely to listen to what we want to say, such as when we use disapproving words like "drunk or alcoholic" or blaming language that they perceive as an attack.
Avoid speaking to your loved one when they have been drinking or taking drugs because they may have less capacity to listen and remember what you spoke about.
Try to avoid speaking about your loved one’s drinking or drug use when your own threat system is online because threat-based emotions can narrow our focus of attention onto self-protection and hijack the rational part of our brain which is needed to have a productive conversation.
Dropping anchor
There are steps you can take to be more mindful of your own emotions which helps you to notice when your threat system is active and respond in a helpful way. When we are angry or anxious about our loved one's drinking or drug use, this can help us to approach a difficult conversation feeling calm and in a better position to listen. If emotions are running high, it’s time to drop anchor. See my blog here: dropping anchor
Don't Tell them to stop drinking or using drugs.
When someone we care about is doing something potentially harmful, it’s natural to want to advise them to stop. However, telling people to stop what they are doing because it’s bad for them rarely works and is often met with resistance. When it comes to changing our behaviour, we need to feel motivated. Can you think of the last time you stopped doing something you knew was bad for you just because someone told you to? I can think of a few examples: ‘stop staying up too late’, ‘stop sitting in front of a computer screen for hours’, or ‘stop eating junk food’. People know that junk food is not good for their health but will keep eating it because they like the taste of it or it’s convenient. Something like a health scare might motivate them enough to cut down.
Disclaimer: It's important to note, that when people are dependent on alcohol (and some drugs) it can potentially be dangerous to stop drinking or using abruptly so it is advisable to seek medical help to gradually cut down safely.
Motivation is key
Sadly, we can't change another person's behaviour. The motivation needs to come from them. However, we can encourage our loved one by reminding them about their motivation. E.g. together you can explore their reasons for wanting to change by thinking about what their drinking or drug use currently stops them engaging with or achieving.
If you can think of some values, you both share, you can lead with that e.g. “I know that we both want to spend more time together as a family”. If you are both on the same page, it might be met with less resistance.
If your partner is open to it, grab a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of continuing to drink or take drugs vs. cutting down. Often the benefits of drinking or drug use are only temporary and are disadvantageous in the long term e.g. alcohol helps them to fall asleep quickly, but they have poor quality sleep and never feel rested. If you are not getting very far with this, you can always revisit the conversation later.
Self-care and compassion: don't forget to look after yourself.
During aeroplane safety announcements we are instructed to put our own oxygen mask on first in an emergency before attempting to help others. We have more capacity to help others when we look after ourselves. Supporting a loved one with a drinking or drug use problem can be exhausting. It's important to not lose sight of your own well-being. Try to have a balance of PACE in your week:
Physical health: rest and relax, sleep, eat well, stretch, or move your body.
Accomplishment; acknowledge small wins throughout the day such as reading a blog, replying to an email, or making the bed.
Connection: talk to someone supportive.
Enjoyment: do something you enjoy.
It can be difficult to accept that we are not in control of other people’s actions. We can only control our own. If you try to help someone and they are not able to receive your help, this can bring your threat system online because your goal is being blocked. You may end up being self-critical or feeling guilty. Our soothing system is the part of the brain responsible for increasing feelings of safety and can calm the threat system down. You can bring your soothing system online by being compassionate towards yourself. Ask yourself “What would I say to a friend or someone I care about in this situation?” notice how you feel when you respond to yourself in the same way.
If you are noticing that you are self-critical, stressed, or worried about your loved one’s drinking or drug use and would like to develop some coping skills, you might want to consider therapy. I provide online therapy focusing on the impact of a loved one’s drinking or drug use. You can contact me (Dr Fiona Dowman, Clinical Psychologist) for a free 20-minute consultation by clicking here
If your loved one wants to seek help for their drinking or drug use, you can search for your local drug or alcohol service here or find a list of drug and alcohol support groups and organisations here.
